Were expecting!!

I can't believe it only took us two cycles! Prior to the m/c it took us 7 cycles it's been quite the journey and it's really just begining. It's very exciting but very scary all in the same. I am like sooo excited but trying to be very cautious and not get too wrapped up in it all. I don't want it all to be taken away again. We have our first dr appointment Nov 3rd.. seems like dejavu again from there they'll schedule the u/s... I wish I could have gotten in sooner but my Dr said there is nothing they can do anyways if it turns out the way it did last time... that's fine but what about peace of mind?! I am a worrier and this has me worrying but I keep reminding myself don't worry because it's not healthy for you or baby.. ahhhh... so luckily we are going on our cruise Sat and that will get my mind off things for a week haha then it will be back to counting the days until I get to find out if there is a heatbeat this time.. I pray that there is and that everything will be ok this time... I don't know what I'll do if it's not.

I really haven't told anybody IRL yet (aside from forums I visit) except my best friend and another good friend, that's it. We are waiting until the first u/s to make sure everything is ok first. It's hard to contain it at times and then at other times it's easy to do when you think of the drawbacks. But I hope I get to tell the world this time. Unlike my SIL finding out and going to blab her mouth to everyone and take away my special moment last time. I want to be able to be the one to share "our" happy news.

Very nice poem I ran across

(Click to enlarge reading)

Salt n the wounds

So I am debating on just closing my facebook for a little while.. I now have 4 preggo friends on there... I sign on last night and first thing I see is the stork is coming to our house in February.. I got tears in my eyes.. I mean come on I was having a stork come to my house just barely two weeks ago.. and now it's gone.. just what I want to read!! So, of coarse all my bad events replay in my mind. Day before my friend that was due a day after me posted up her ultrasound pics and like a few days prior the other girl posted up she was going to see the heartbeat for the the first time.. like all the things I wanted to experience and I don't get to. It's just depressing and sad. My anxiety has seem to be up a little since all of this has gone on. I feel like I need a break a vacation a get away something to get this all off my mind. I just want to jump out of my skin. I'm normally not this emotional of a person, or maybe I am but I just keep it bottled up inside and don't express it, maybe it's still all the pregnancy hormones.. at some point I just want to be back to myself not this mushy sap that every little baby thing bothers me. People can say there sorry and everything, I use to tell people that had a loss I am sorry, but you truely cannot relate with that person until you've actually been there and I probably never would have believed them prior to this. I just truely can't get over this hump just yet I really wanted this and this is coming from a person that a few years ago never really wanted kids or at least it just wasn't on my mind at that time in my life. Now it's on my mind daily, constantly.. my heart is heavy. it's not like I can put a time limit on this for how long I feel bad. It'd be nice if I was like ok it's been almost two weeks cheer up, feel better.. it just isn't working like a light switch. I think about these ladies on the forums and their estimated due dates come and go and they are still not pregnant.. all I can do is think I don't want to be that person... am I gunna be.

Ever had something taken away from you that you really wanted?!

IT SUCKS

I had to be reminded today when The bump sent me my weekly update that I'd be 13weeks tomorrow *sigh* just makes me want my baby back more when I get the reminders :(

My little one You have left us too soon Though my body can no longer hold you I hold you forever in my heart As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time A mother's love does not forget

The day my earth stood still

June 26th was suppose to be a "happy day" we were going to our first ultrasound. A day what every mother looks forward to. I was 11weeks and 2days pregnant with our first child that we had tried to conceive for 7months and prior to that my husband had a reversal since we both decided we wanted to start a family together so it's been a semi-long road. Finally, we got the baby we both wanted, how exciting right?! Well that joy turned quickly into sorrow. When the u/s tech said she couldn't show me anything and right then and there I knew something was wrong. She said she'd send the images to the radiology tech and my Dr. She said I could get dressed and she'd call my husband in to come by me. (Which they should let your husband come in there with you from the start, not call them in after they do some scans because when something goes down like this you want someone to be there by your side trust me, I mean I got the news before him and we should have gotten it together, just as we should get to see the baby together for the first time if it would have been the other way around). So we drove home and I got the dreaded news that the baby had no heartbeat... it was surreal. I mean why would this happen to us?! So I really was in disbelief and I had so many thoughts running through my mind. I wanted a second opinion etc. I went and saw my Dr and he scheduled the d&c, I decided that was the best route for me to take that same night before surgery I was having really bad cramping and contractions 4minutes apart lasting for a minute each as if I wasn't going thru enough emotional pain now came the physical it was pure hell lasting for about 12hrs until they performed the d&c. When the next morning July 1st rolled around for the surgery it was a bittersweet day as that was also the day I hit the 12week mark.. you know the week when you are allowed to scream on the top of your lungs to all your friends and fam that your expecting! Not us we didn't get to experience that. Days to follow were saddening, anger, numbness.. everything I guess you expect to go through. It's still so surreal to me... something you wanted so bad you finally got and then BAM it was just taken away in an instant with out warning.. I guess that just shows nothing in life is guaranteed. I don't think there's been a day yet that has gone by that I have not shed a tear :(